Two Months

I feel so alone... But I know I'm not literally alone...

I'm a stay at home mom now for 2 months. I resigned from my 9-year job. There are days that I feel physically drained yet fulfilled. But sometimes, I asked, is this really His plan for me, for us?

I'm grateful for my very supportive husband, he knows I love cooking, want to learn baking and want to have my own business. We want to save for it that's why we both work full time. But observing my 6-year old firstborn's attitude, I feel guilty at the same time frustrated. Am I selfish mother? Am I a bad mother? Do I'm giving him enough love, guidance, time? Do I'm giving him what he really needs?

Mon and I had a long talk about it. I told him all my frustrations at work. Sometimes I'm demotivated, easily get depressed, emotionally, mentally and physically tired. We spent almost a whole day (thanks to coffee shops) taking into considerations the pros and cons when I leave my work, jotting our action plans to cope up financially. Is it really worth it? Is it really worth the everyday-living-for-work than staying-at-home for my kids?

From there I quit. I quit my job. Will stay at home to focus on my kids, specially to my first born. As he need guidance in his schooling. I want to understand what's really going on. What's making him super hyper to the point he's not listening to his teacher anymore. And for my youngest of course. He's still a baby and I hope that he will 'relatch'. I'm only pumping my milk for him since he's 5 months old. He started to refuse my breast when I got back to work from my maternity leave.

And now, after two months, time for a reality - check.