Two Months

I feel so alone... But I know I'm not literally alone...

I'm a stay at home mom now for 2 months. I resigned from my 9-year job. There are days that I feel physically drained yet fulfilled. But sometimes, I asked, is this really His plan for me, for us?

I'm grateful for my very supportive husband, he knows I love cooking, want to learn baking and want to have my own business. We want to save for it that's why we both work full time. But observing my 6-year old firstborn's attitude, I feel guilty at the same time frustrated. Am I selfish mother? Am I a bad mother? Do I'm giving him enough love, guidance, time? Do I'm giving him what he really needs?

Mon and I had a long talk about it. I told him all my frustrations at work. Sometimes I'm demotivated, easily get depressed, emotionally, mentally and physically tired. We spent almost a whole day (thanks to coffee shops) taking into considerations the pros and cons when I leave my work, jotting our action plans to cope up financially. Is it really worth it? Is it really worth the everyday-living-for-work than staying-at-home for my kids?

From there I quit. I quit my job. Will stay at home to focus on my kids, specially to my first born. As he need guidance in his schooling. I want to understand what's really going on. What's making him super hyper to the point he's not listening to his teacher anymore. And for my youngest of course. He's still a baby and I hope that he will 'relatch'. I'm only pumping my milk for him since he's 5 months old. He started to refuse my breast when I got back to work from my maternity leave.

And now, after two months, time for a reality - check.

Sa eskwelahan...

Nakakabagot, wala akong kausap, wala akong katabi
Ayaw ko namang lumipat at makipagkumpulan sa kanila
Di ko sila kilala,  close na ang ibang mga nanay,  classmates na rin sila
Masaya silang nag-kwekwentuhan
Iyan ang epekto ng isang "working mom" Bihirang makita sa school
Di kilala ng kapwa nanay
Walang katsismisan
Mabuti ba iyon o hindi?

Napakabagal ng oras
Bawat minuto ay nabibilang
Gamit na gamit ang cellphone
Mahirap magpanggap
Ayan may tumabi na sa akin
Paalam muna...

Oops, lumipat ng upuan
May nakitang kakilala
Naiwan nanaman akong magisa
Heto at humahaba  ang aking tula
30 minuto pa...

May lumabas ng estudyante
Tapos na siyang magexam
Sana'y anak ko na iyan
Nabuhayan ng dugo
Sa bandang kaliwa nagpunta
Hindi ko pala anak iyon

May tumabi na uli
May makakausap na sana
Ngunit naglabas din ng cellphone
Magpapanggap din pala
20 minuto pa...

10 minuto pa
At hayan na,  lumabas na ang aking anak
Nakangiti, tapos na sa kanyang exam
Umaasa akong tama ang kanyang mga sagot
Nawalang bigla ang aking inip